Thursday, July 14, 2005

White-ass MO'-fO's

There's just not enough time in the day to write what I really need to explain about Nantucket. It's truly SO ridiculous to see what the wealthiest people in the world do on their "vacation" time (my guess is that most of the people I am about to describe find themselves on a permanent vacation anyway because for them, the money just flows and flows...). What do they do you ask?

They wear white pants.

Now, ever since I can remember, white pants were problematic. Back in about 1984 my mom never let me wear my white Esprit clamdiggers on a day that we had art scheduled at school. When I did get a good chance to wear them, we had either tacos or spaghetti for lunch, meaning stain removal by mom was inevitable - either that or the neighbor's dog jumped up on me with muddy paws while I waited for carpool. Next came that famous enlargement of my hips in about 7th grade, which meant most pale colored pants (slate, cream, ecru, khaki or butter) were avoided because mom said it really wasn't flattering to one's backside. And for the most part, she's still right. Just stay away from those white pants or the bacon you ate for breakfast all week will be that much more obvious in the rump. Back when Myles and I were first dating, he bought me this gorgeous pair of high waisted, pleated cream silk pants with a wide, cuffed leg. They dragged a little on the ground and slouched just right when I put my hands in the pockets - wasn't I so Katherine Hepburn? Well, not really. I think I wore them all of 4 times. (God I hope they are still in my closet back in Milton.) It just never made sense to wear them and take the risk of getting them dirty, even if my ass looked kinda Hollywood Glamour.

So, if you are full of money and want to wear just the right thing to look both casual and chic simultaneously, put on those white pantalones. Be impractical! Hell, you're not doing your own laundry. And as for your ass? It looks great in ANYTHING - even white bikinis - because you have someone working it out for you every day and making sure you ingest nothing other than wheatgrass smoothies and lean grilled meat. White pants look great on you when you're filthy rich. The yacht you hang out on is white, your porch furniture is probably white, and guess what else, you're probably white too! Nothing you interact with is dirty, dusty or gritty because you have paid someone else to polish it for you. (Your garden is pristine because you never weeded it, watered it, or even planted it. And your lawn always looks perfect. Etc., etc.)

Honestly, I could take a walk here at any time of day and count numerous Whitepants strolling around. And I SO don't get it. Wouldn't you just be worried about them? Well, these people just don't have to worry about stuff like that. Duh!

This is what Nantucket has become in the summer- a place for people who can afford hire others to deal with their filth. Wait, have I mentioned that most of the monstrous homes here are only lived in from late June to Labor Day? That means there are a few loyals who stick around through the fall and come here on and off throughout the course of the year - but I bet those folks have come here forever and they still drive the same beat up Grand Wagoneer. (Should have titled my blog "MIss Nelson is Guessing? HA!)

My dad says he loves the white pants. He says if you can wear them, let him see them! He thinks I make false assumptions about people I don't even know. He's right. But just because I'm writing this doesn't mean I automatically hate a Whitepant - it just means I don't really get that mindset, that aesthetic, that sterility..., and I don't know if those qualities are best thing for this tiny island. If you can afford to have ANYTHING you want, don't you lose focus on the world around you? Isn't it easier for you to forget how important the landscape is?

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