It feels like forever since I have written. So many things have happened and I am constantly swept up in everyday moments. Blogging is the last thing on my mind... but it nags a bit in the back of my head. I wonder if keeping my life on file like this is helpful at all. In the attempt to get my creative career underway I have joined a print studio, taken a workshop and started making things again. My psychotherapy has been wildly helpful in initiating this process as I discover how bizarre-o it feels to NEED to make things, even if ultimately I hate the thought of putting my art out there for other folks to see.
Seems kind of odd, considering that this self-indulgent blog process is pretty much a "hey, look at me and my life!" kind of display. I guess that's why I've been shying away from writing. That and the fact that my situation with Myles hasn't really improved to any remarkable degree... I wish so much that I could say we are making great strides, but our relationship often seems like one step forward, six steps back. I don't blame him. I just don't.
A lot of it has to do with me. I'm such a sucker for the "family" that we have. But I am more concerned than ever before about the model that I am presenting to the girls. We actively demonstrate that poor communication is acceptable, and that settling for minimal affection and attention is a fine way to live! How horrible to say this - to know these things, yet not fully understand how to initiate true change in our behavior patterns. Thankfully I do feel more alert and aware of how I'm acting in front of the kids... what kind of energy I'm throwing out in the world, and I clearly recognize how they feed off of it, and occasionally spin it back in my direction.
Early spring brings changes though. I am hopeful. Just seeing people in lighter clothing, bearing my pale arms in public and spending time on playgrounds has opened up my mind a bit. We are planning the summer out. I'm gearing up to make lots and lots of stuff for a grad school application/portfolio due in the fall.
When I'm feeling more fun and less heady, I'll tell you some stories.
