Sunday, May 31, 2009

Reduction in Forces

Dr. Webster is on another overnight at the hospital which has left me feeling refreshed and organized. The last few months have been uncharacteristically easy for Myles - he's had minimal call and plenty of free weekends, and the added bonus of arriving home before dinner time on weeknights. Honestly though, I'm always relatively surprised at how thankful I am for these evenings alone.

My thoughts have been bent on the concept of self-change recently. It's put me in a pretty low, dark, shadowy place... I'm trying really hard to figure out what components of my life seem worth fighting for. I'm attempting to have feelings about the course of my 30's, rather than just following the path that has been carved out by my husband's career. And then there's the idea that I will scar my children deeply if I don't give them every bit of my attention. My therapist is trying to discern whether or not I have created the concept of "Perfect Mom" from my mother's example, or from societal impact. (I say it's both. And perhaps it's exacerbated by the latter. True ignorance might really be bliss... how sick is that?)

But does anyone really do a full persona-overhaul? Or better yet, an ego-overhaul? And at what cost? I mean, I'm only 33... I feel like I could be 50. There's plenty of time for change... it only took me 20 years to get sucked into my current mental status. All that being said, I love thinking that I have more to offer the world - and simultaneously that very thought terrifies me.

How to proceed?

(New mantra: Harvey Milk Harvey Milk Harvey Milk... or as the wise Eminem once proclaimed, "You betta lose yo self in the music the moment...")

I won't lie. My head is like soup... too many ingredients. I'm hoping if I boil it long enough it will reduce to something yummier.

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