As I just typed the title out I felt my heart get huge. I can hear it throbbing in my head now and my toes feel numb.
I'm not being fair to myself by never writing about how difficult my relationship with Myles happens to be. Plenty of you readers know some of our struggles... you know how we have operated as a unit for about 12-13 years now... but with all this moving around and child-keeping, we have suffered. It's a horrible horrible sad reality that I am completely terrified to address in any real way. I am not really honest with YOU about how much I hurt on a daily basis, I am not really honest with Myles about how icky I feel about us, I am not really honest with my children (actually, I try to keep them from any emotional turmoil, which is neither honest nor real) and most importantly this means I am not honest with myself.
I started some therapy the other day, which has sparked this particular blog. It has some potential to cause MAJOR DISASTER for me.
For us.
So I'm attempting to be honest. Just a little bit. And then maybe you will have to read between the lines in the entries down the road.
Or it will all get juicier.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
WARNING!
This photo tells the story of my life right now. Penelope does absolutely everything to ensure she's in danger at all times. Looking for a bee at the bottom of a water-filled bucket... can you say "drowning hazard"?
Yesterday she fell off of 3 different chairs in the kitchen and took a spill down our cement front steps. I guess that's better than the time she fell backwards from the large boulder in our driveway and landed with her diaper-butt stuck in a rodent hole. No injuries thus far... but with a pediatric resident as father I have been convinced that a trip to the E.R. should follow shortly.
Oh, and HUGE photo upload at my Flickr site... click on the Penny pic here and it should take you there. View the slideshow titled VT Fall 2008 if you have a minute or two. You are so jealous that you don't live here. New England Paradise... complete with tempting apples.
Yesterday she fell off of 3 different chairs in the kitchen and took a spill down our cement front steps. I guess that's better than the time she fell backwards from the large boulder in our driveway and landed with her diaper-butt stuck in a rodent hole. No injuries thus far... but with a pediatric resident as father I have been convinced that a trip to the E.R. should follow shortly.
Oh, and HUGE photo upload at my Flickr site... click on the Penny pic here and it should take you there. View the slideshow titled VT Fall 2008 if you have a minute or two. You are so jealous that you don't live here. New England Paradise... complete with tempting apples.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Ms. Martin
Ly. You are truly amazing. I know this is quite possibly one of the craziest shots I've ever taken of you (save for one or two "playing dead" pics from Idaho Camping Trip 1991), but it just speaks volumes.
First of all, there's an accessory on your head. Then there's the fact that you are on a ride on lawnmower (confirming your love of sterotypically male power tools/objects), and the story behind your pond... which you are afraid to mow close to for fear of falling in. Now, how could I ever forget that this was taken on the day that my daughter Ruby barfed all over the back seat of my minivan... I mean blew chunks of the grossest possible vomit everywhere... and you single-handedly cleaned it up without a complaint, like it was something you did often and even enjoyed. I'm thrilled that I managed to get a photo in before that drama unfolded. Good story to share for years I'm sure.
Well, to finish up, I am really indebted to you forever. I'm trying to figure out what it is I should do to repay you for your kindness and support. How cool is it that I finally have one of my oldest friends living only 20 minutes away? And who else would let my kids pour their own maple syrup and put gummi bears on their pancakes?
I hope you don't hate me for making this shot moderately public. I'll manage to convince you that such a visual masterpiece only comes in the most special of situations.
I love you to pieces.
First of all, there's an accessory on your head. Then there's the fact that you are on a ride on lawnmower (confirming your love of sterotypically male power tools/objects), and the story behind your pond... which you are afraid to mow close to for fear of falling in. Now, how could I ever forget that this was taken on the day that my daughter Ruby barfed all over the back seat of my minivan... I mean blew chunks of the grossest possible vomit everywhere... and you single-handedly cleaned it up without a complaint, like it was something you did often and even enjoyed. I'm thrilled that I managed to get a photo in before that drama unfolded. Good story to share for years I'm sure.
Well, to finish up, I am really indebted to you forever. I'm trying to figure out what it is I should do to repay you for your kindness and support. How cool is it that I finally have one of my oldest friends living only 20 minutes away? And who else would let my kids pour their own maple syrup and put gummi bears on their pancakes?
I hope you don't hate me for making this shot moderately public. I'll manage to convince you that such a visual masterpiece only comes in the most special of situations.
I love you to pieces.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Hello, is it me you're lookin' for...
To my loyal peeps... I will try really hard to get my act together and post pictures, but for now my spanking new computer in the basement won't give me decent wireless connection, so uploading is impossible.
Busy times upon us all right now. Myles seems to be working constantly - meaning I'm "working" twice as hard too. With the crisp fall air and the surreal colors of the leaves all around our home, my head is spinning. I find myself at a loss for words. I'm busy making food again... pies are next on the list. Already tackled chicken soup.
Penny is 15 months as of yesterday.
Honestly, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the concept of my family and what it all means.
I'll try to write more. And more often.
P.S. What are you doing to ensure that Obama wins in November? We don't want to wake up on Nov. 5th with a nasty dose of McLame lovers rejoicing, do we?
Busy times upon us all right now. Myles seems to be working constantly - meaning I'm "working" twice as hard too. With the crisp fall air and the surreal colors of the leaves all around our home, my head is spinning. I find myself at a loss for words. I'm busy making food again... pies are next on the list. Already tackled chicken soup.
Penny is 15 months as of yesterday.
Honestly, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the concept of my family and what it all means.
I'll try to write more. And more often.
P.S. What are you doing to ensure that Obama wins in November? We don't want to wake up on Nov. 5th with a nasty dose of McLame lovers rejoicing, do we?
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Burrito
Conversation overheard all week at nursery school pickup:
Random parent friend: "So, how was your trip?"
Me: "Amazing. I had this perfect burrito..."
It's not really fair to blog again without a photo - at least after an insanely fun 4 day solo trip to San Francisco. There's too much to share. But if I had to choose some choice thoughts to share from my excursion I'd go with these:
*Being away from my family is fun to a point, and then it starts to feel weird and wrong. Amazing, but it took a good 24 hours to discover that I am not and will never be the same person I was before I had kids... I mean, sometimes I fantasize that just being alone and traveling will allow me to be the way I used to be. NOPE. Even the keg stand and the lack of sleep didn't do it for me.
*Spending time with my favorite old friends, acting like there's no distance between us, and then having to separate to different states, countries, cities is PAINFUL. Why do we torture ourselves like this? We need one another. I'm perfectly capable of finding new friends anywhere I go (thankfully) but my college friends are the people I would choose to raise my family along side... to share our marriage woes, our parenting conundrums... and we are really worlds apart. This crazy computer is our glue. Again, weird. What I wouldn't do to live around the corner from Leah and Beth..
*One of my most satisfactory moments during the trip involved a burrito. A huge carnitas super burrito. The works... probably laden with plenty of lard, but not without perfect salsa, guac, sour cream, rice, beans, shredded pork. As long as my abdomen is wide. And I only had a tiny tortilla portion left at the end of my eating session. It was revolutionary and meant to be (the parking place directly in front of the restaurant was the sign). To sit still with my dear friend Beth and make lots of smacky sounds and comment on the flavor dimensions... and without children interrupting me. I was transformed for a moment, and I actually didn't miss the kids.
*Travel is healthy. And by that I don't mean traveling alone. Going places with the family is a great way to teach yourself and your children about the world (how easily I forgot that simple concept). While we took a brief outing to a beach I was awestruck by the Pacific Ocean... oh, and the Golden Gate bridge. Simple landmarks, monster changes in geography, ethnic food, unfamiliar smells in the air. It's all just plain good for your soul to experience new things. No, we don't all have $600 to throw at plane tickets, but we can hop in a car and head to the next state over. Or the next town that we know nothing about... so what if the kids complain the entire way? Or they scream the entire flight? Or they miss their nap and we all have a horrible night's sleep? The world has so much to offer us and I'm feeling guilty about ignoring it.
Anyone want some visitors?
Random parent friend: "So, how was your trip?"
Me: "Amazing. I had this perfect burrito..."
It's not really fair to blog again without a photo - at least after an insanely fun 4 day solo trip to San Francisco. There's too much to share. But if I had to choose some choice thoughts to share from my excursion I'd go with these:
*Being away from my family is fun to a point, and then it starts to feel weird and wrong. Amazing, but it took a good 24 hours to discover that I am not and will never be the same person I was before I had kids... I mean, sometimes I fantasize that just being alone and traveling will allow me to be the way I used to be. NOPE. Even the keg stand and the lack of sleep didn't do it for me.
*Spending time with my favorite old friends, acting like there's no distance between us, and then having to separate to different states, countries, cities is PAINFUL. Why do we torture ourselves like this? We need one another. I'm perfectly capable of finding new friends anywhere I go (thankfully) but my college friends are the people I would choose to raise my family along side... to share our marriage woes, our parenting conundrums... and we are really worlds apart. This crazy computer is our glue. Again, weird. What I wouldn't do to live around the corner from Leah and Beth..
*One of my most satisfactory moments during the trip involved a burrito. A huge carnitas super burrito. The works... probably laden with plenty of lard, but not without perfect salsa, guac, sour cream, rice, beans, shredded pork. As long as my abdomen is wide. And I only had a tiny tortilla portion left at the end of my eating session. It was revolutionary and meant to be (the parking place directly in front of the restaurant was the sign). To sit still with my dear friend Beth and make lots of smacky sounds and comment on the flavor dimensions... and without children interrupting me. I was transformed for a moment, and I actually didn't miss the kids.
*Travel is healthy. And by that I don't mean traveling alone. Going places with the family is a great way to teach yourself and your children about the world (how easily I forgot that simple concept). While we took a brief outing to a beach I was awestruck by the Pacific Ocean... oh, and the Golden Gate bridge. Simple landmarks, monster changes in geography, ethnic food, unfamiliar smells in the air. It's all just plain good for your soul to experience new things. No, we don't all have $600 to throw at plane tickets, but we can hop in a car and head to the next state over. Or the next town that we know nothing about... so what if the kids complain the entire way? Or they scream the entire flight? Or they miss their nap and we all have a horrible night's sleep? The world has so much to offer us and I'm feeling guilty about ignoring it.
Anyone want some visitors?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
3 Cords
Oh my. This is what you are supposed to have in order to prepare yourself for winter up here.
And that nice land of ours behind the woodpile will be COVERED in snow some day soon.
This begins my enormous photo sharing... lots of places visited, lots of old friends, lots of new stuff like school and gymnastics class (still undocumented, but I promise some leotard shots in the future).
And that nice land of ours behind the woodpile will be COVERED in snow some day soon.
This begins my enormous photo sharing... lots of places visited, lots of old friends, lots of new stuff like school and gymnastics class (still undocumented, but I promise some leotard shots in the future).
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Hazel and Rowan Visit!
A great thing about living in VT again is our proximity to old friends. We shared a gorgeous afternoon playing... and catching up. (These kiddos mom and I were pregnant at the same time and attended birthing class together.)
5 Granddaughters and one more on the way!
So great to see the cousins for a day... we miss them terribly.
My sister is having her baby via c-section on Friday morning. Apparently the baby is sideways! Why does this have to be the same day that I'm leaving for a 4 day trip to San Francisco?
My sister is having her baby via c-section on Friday morning. Apparently the baby is sideways! Why does this have to be the same day that I'm leaving for a 4 day trip to San Francisco?
"That goat is lookin' at me!"
(Thank you Brian Fellow for allowing me to steal a quote for my title...)
The girls absolutely adore animals... which is why I jumped at the opportunity to see my friend Ellen up in Burlington for a day. I drove up there for a busy busy day trip, saw my mother-in-law, ran into our old babysitter, had some flatbreads, threw everyone back in the car to visit Shelburne Farms (one of my most favorite landmarks in the world) and had a chinese food dinner at Ellen's parents' house. I drove the girls home in their jammies - they were all sacked out in the back of the minivan while I grabbed a listen to Al Gore's speech at the Democratic Convention on the radio.
The girls absolutely adore animals... which is why I jumped at the opportunity to see my friend Ellen up in Burlington for a day. I drove up there for a busy busy day trip, saw my mother-in-law, ran into our old babysitter, had some flatbreads, threw everyone back in the car to visit Shelburne Farms (one of my most favorite landmarks in the world) and had a chinese food dinner at Ellen's parents' house. I drove the girls home in their jammies - they were all sacked out in the back of the minivan while I grabbed a listen to Al Gore's speech at the Democratic Convention on the radio.
Not Me
Penelope. You are just not me at all. Maybe in personality we could have some things in common, but honestly people think I stole you from the cute baby adoption center. Or that I special ordered you from South America...
My Experience of the Barefoot Potluck Wedding
Complete with summer's most popular shade of nail polish.
Show Me Your Most Serious Faces...
HA! Really. I told them to look very very serious. Does this explain why they never respond to me when I shout, "Girls! Seriously! I mean it!"
Monster Bugs!
When my daughters get mosquito bites on their face, this is what happens. Poor Ruby got a fat black eye from this recent episode... Why don't I remember this happening to anyone back when we were kids? I see children all over the place with this type of allergic reactions to the "common mosquito". Hmmmm...
Full of Pie
Right after their first successful contra dance, the girls stuffed themselves with blueberry pie and chilled out on dad's lap.
mission accomplished
I only managed to contribute to the very beginning of the wood stacking. Full credit should be given to Myles, with assistance from Raani.
Sign me up for early fall fires. Eeek.
Sign me up for early fall fires. Eeek.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
milestones
Hindsight. You know what they say.
Recently I've been encountering something huge inside that has been welling up for years. I'm growing into a new me by reconnecting with the old me. The original Ms. Nelson is attempting to make a comeback... like, maybe, Ms. Nelson: The Revised Edition.
When I took this shot of Penny she had just celebrated her 1st birthday. It blows my mind to reflect on her physical skills - to know that Ruby and Eloise were taking their first wobbly steps at 12 months, and it would be several months after that when they would even dare to throw a leg over a rocking horse. I believe Eloise finally decided to tackle a playground ladder at 2.5 years - and Penny climbs to the top bunk at 13 months. We all talk about how little Pickle has a lot to look up to, big girls to learn from and model after, but what strikes me as odd is the degree to which I forget how I used to be about Ru and El's "developmental milestones". And to know now how meaningless many of those things can be! I love to look back on what I have learned during this mom gig and laugh. My concerns and paranoia and my "will it ever end?"s...
Hopefully I can be supportive and helpful when my sister gives birth to her first child this September, but I have decided to remind her that in parenting, the advice and wisdom from other sources only makes sense once you have endured the worst: those sleepless nights, the lonely days, the first fevers, the family-wide illnesses, the horrific car rides and the aborted vacations. How about the day I decided to throw away my parenting books? Relief.
And if my mom had told me to stop reading online parenting advice, I would have proclaimed how "it's just what my generation does." In the end, she was right though. For me, the best solution to my mommy-woes was finding friends and shooting the shit.
Perspective.
That's where I'm at these days. The air in the house starts getting colder at around 4:45 pm, and by 7 pm I've closed the windows up for the night. Right about the time when one season ends and another is about to begin I get full of self-reflection and I start completing tasks and getting creative again. I do the big check-in and try to make a step forward... or a step somewhere.
But in reality the end of August hints at fall way too early in these parts. If I could only bottle this kind of productivity and energy and take a shot of it when the Vermonters start to hibernate. Or when my Procrastination Demon comes for an extended visit and Penny has mastered ice skating at 18 months.
Recently I've been encountering something huge inside that has been welling up for years. I'm growing into a new me by reconnecting with the old me. The original Ms. Nelson is attempting to make a comeback... like, maybe, Ms. Nelson: The Revised Edition.
When I took this shot of Penny she had just celebrated her 1st birthday. It blows my mind to reflect on her physical skills - to know that Ruby and Eloise were taking their first wobbly steps at 12 months, and it would be several months after that when they would even dare to throw a leg over a rocking horse. I believe Eloise finally decided to tackle a playground ladder at 2.5 years - and Penny climbs to the top bunk at 13 months. We all talk about how little Pickle has a lot to look up to, big girls to learn from and model after, but what strikes me as odd is the degree to which I forget how I used to be about Ru and El's "developmental milestones". And to know now how meaningless many of those things can be! I love to look back on what I have learned during this mom gig and laugh. My concerns and paranoia and my "will it ever end?"s...
Hopefully I can be supportive and helpful when my sister gives birth to her first child this September, but I have decided to remind her that in parenting, the advice and wisdom from other sources only makes sense once you have endured the worst: those sleepless nights, the lonely days, the first fevers, the family-wide illnesses, the horrific car rides and the aborted vacations. How about the day I decided to throw away my parenting books? Relief.
And if my mom had told me to stop reading online parenting advice, I would have proclaimed how "it's just what my generation does." In the end, she was right though. For me, the best solution to my mommy-woes was finding friends and shooting the shit.
Perspective.
That's where I'm at these days. The air in the house starts getting colder at around 4:45 pm, and by 7 pm I've closed the windows up for the night. Right about the time when one season ends and another is about to begin I get full of self-reflection and I start completing tasks and getting creative again. I do the big check-in and try to make a step forward... or a step somewhere.
But in reality the end of August hints at fall way too early in these parts. If I could only bottle this kind of productivity and energy and take a shot of it when the Vermonters start to hibernate. Or when my Procrastination Demon comes for an extended visit and Penny has mastered ice skating at 18 months.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Mamarama
I just have to put this out there: having a bunch of great conversations about my last post with moms and non-moms alike, I realized how difficult it is to get here to post words about my sorry-ass Webster life. I am pretty hard on myself I guess, and for no good reason. I read too many mommy blogs (and no, if you are a friend of mine, I don't compare myself to you... it's those random links to moms that I don't know) and they drive me AWAY from this medium. When I'm feeling dark and pessimistic other mothers articulations of my exact feelings bring me down down down... into a terrible, stupid, teenager kind of place. When I'm feeling decent and empowered, other random momblogs make me feel connected to this lovely (almost underground) society that we have created as modern day computer crazy mothers.
But I"m thinking about this: real connectedness. I mean, connectedness shouldn't even be a word it sounds so horrible... but I like to think back to times when mothers took care of one another in a different way. When we didn't have technology and instant internet gratification, what did our moms do? That's the good stuff - (and occasionally the BAD BAD stuff because there were those moms that were in the dark and isolated, I know) and what I'm talking about are those badass mothers that did fucking everything because that's all they had to do. That's all they could do. They were technically sad and oppressed as far as feminism might be concerned... but for someone like my mom, or Myles' grandmother, they had serious survival skills. These ladies had husbands who expected dinner on the table every night. They didn't get to sleep in on weekends and give the kids over to dad so they could go to yoga class. They did all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and they didn't get their husbands to partake in "babywearing". Kids were their profession in a way. Homemakers. Remember?
Well, what did they do to deal with their identity crises, failing marriages, infidelities, ppd, anxiety, and recreation an/or loss of self?
What I'm getting at is this: they took care of one another face to face. Or they listened to one another's voices over the telephone...
Make a spinach and sweet potato-laced brownie out of these thoughts now, m'kay?
But I"m thinking about this: real connectedness. I mean, connectedness shouldn't even be a word it sounds so horrible... but I like to think back to times when mothers took care of one another in a different way. When we didn't have technology and instant internet gratification, what did our moms do? That's the good stuff - (and occasionally the BAD BAD stuff because there were those moms that were in the dark and isolated, I know) and what I'm talking about are those badass mothers that did fucking everything because that's all they had to do. That's all they could do. They were technically sad and oppressed as far as feminism might be concerned... but for someone like my mom, or Myles' grandmother, they had serious survival skills. These ladies had husbands who expected dinner on the table every night. They didn't get to sleep in on weekends and give the kids over to dad so they could go to yoga class. They did all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and they didn't get their husbands to partake in "babywearing". Kids were their profession in a way. Homemakers. Remember?
Well, what did they do to deal with their identity crises, failing marriages, infidelities, ppd, anxiety, and recreation an/or loss of self?
What I'm getting at is this: they took care of one another face to face. Or they listened to one another's voices over the telephone...
Make a spinach and sweet potato-laced brownie out of these thoughts now, m'kay?
Friday, August 01, 2008
bloop
Ew! I've become that blogger who abandons their readers for too long... and then I get enveloped in this battle of how to re-emerge into your lives, how to update you on our hectic scene. Clearly I'm at a loss. My camera has been found, but now I'm battling technology with a 5 year old computer and a hatred for "backing up" files on disc and deleting them. If I upload 200 photos to this thing it might explode... but I'm dying for the freedom to inundate this fucking blog with my new pics.
The girls have grown again - all three of them. I continually ask myself who these creatures are that I've created... and how did I bring them into the world? Each one so different. They surprise me daily with their observations - particularly the twins with their commentary on gender:
"I don't think Boppy (a.k.a. grandpa) likes unicorns very much. Does he? Maybe we could draw him a boy unicorn with a beard."
Wait, do I have two four year old daughters who can already draw unicorns and rainbows? How the hell did this happen? And Penny! Holy shit what a fucking handful of squishy insanity! She's constantly on the move and into mischief... making car and truck sounds, falling down, climbing stairs, opening and closing EVERYTHING, insisting on using her own utensils at meals, saying, "yeah" when you ask her a question. And eating more blueberries than necessary... which brings me to the title of this blog.
To those of you who have kids and who have fed them blueberries (or anything round that has a "skin" on it) you know what I mean. The poopy diaper is not filled with just plain poop. It's BLOOP. And it leaves their cute little butt crack in a baboon-like situation. Same thing for feeding them strawberries and oranges... if you aren't careful you can give your child's ass a citric acid burn. And those raisins you fed your kid... re-hydrated on the other end they are grapes. Oh and corn... CORN! A corn filled diaper is a disaster. The bulk is completely overwhelming and you wonder if there's really any nutritional value to corn in the first place. (I know, actually, corn has no nutritional value. Corn is corrupt. But nowhere is it more evident than in your child's diaper. Or on your muffin top.)
So we have been blueberry picking, we have been pond swimming, we repeatedly go to farmers' market, we hop on our neighbors trampoline. I do a lot of cleaning up, feeding, shuttling, yelling, scolding, apologizing, tickling. When I have a second to myself I can be found emailing, checking my facebook page or watching So You Think You Can Dance and the new Project Runway.
Facebook has actually made me feel like a sad old housewife - looking at some sweet shots of my hectic youth posted by high school friends hurts in ways I never imagined possible. (Which leads me to think, how do you feel when you are 65?) But I could sit and obsess about how svelte I used to be, how stoned, how carefree, how clueless or I could take a deep breath and realize how much I've learned in the last 15 years... the greatest enlightenment arriving with motherhood. (ugh. I said motherhood. Isn't that the name of a maternity clothing store? Makes me think of unflattering nursing bras and cheesy floral print acrylic "blouses" ...) So I've had almost 5 years with my new persona... and please fellow mommies, agree with me here that YOU become a new person when you bring a child into the world... and I finally feel comfortable both mourning the old Ms. Nelson and cultivating the new one.
For the moment my girls are asleep, I've fed and bathed all 3 of them, I've settled into my couch corner, and I am alone in this house in the woods, listening cautiously to the noises outside (and no, I don't like that branch-breaking sound I just heard) and feeling fortunate to have a husband who spends a couple nights a week at the hospital. (In the immortal words of Brian Fellow on Safari Planet: "Get him away from me!")
Don't get me wrong - this quasi-single mom gig is tough - but it reminds me that I'm capable of anything. And in what seems like 2 minutes, my kids are older and more independent, and my glory days have yet to come.
The girls have grown again - all three of them. I continually ask myself who these creatures are that I've created... and how did I bring them into the world? Each one so different. They surprise me daily with their observations - particularly the twins with their commentary on gender:
"I don't think Boppy (a.k.a. grandpa) likes unicorns very much. Does he? Maybe we could draw him a boy unicorn with a beard."
Wait, do I have two four year old daughters who can already draw unicorns and rainbows? How the hell did this happen? And Penny! Holy shit what a fucking handful of squishy insanity! She's constantly on the move and into mischief... making car and truck sounds, falling down, climbing stairs, opening and closing EVERYTHING, insisting on using her own utensils at meals, saying, "yeah" when you ask her a question. And eating more blueberries than necessary... which brings me to the title of this blog.
To those of you who have kids and who have fed them blueberries (or anything round that has a "skin" on it) you know what I mean. The poopy diaper is not filled with just plain poop. It's BLOOP. And it leaves their cute little butt crack in a baboon-like situation. Same thing for feeding them strawberries and oranges... if you aren't careful you can give your child's ass a citric acid burn. And those raisins you fed your kid... re-hydrated on the other end they are grapes. Oh and corn... CORN! A corn filled diaper is a disaster. The bulk is completely overwhelming and you wonder if there's really any nutritional value to corn in the first place. (I know, actually, corn has no nutritional value. Corn is corrupt. But nowhere is it more evident than in your child's diaper. Or on your muffin top.)
So we have been blueberry picking, we have been pond swimming, we repeatedly go to farmers' market, we hop on our neighbors trampoline. I do a lot of cleaning up, feeding, shuttling, yelling, scolding, apologizing, tickling. When I have a second to myself I can be found emailing, checking my facebook page or watching So You Think You Can Dance and the new Project Runway.
Facebook has actually made me feel like a sad old housewife - looking at some sweet shots of my hectic youth posted by high school friends hurts in ways I never imagined possible. (Which leads me to think, how do you feel when you are 65?) But I could sit and obsess about how svelte I used to be, how stoned, how carefree, how clueless or I could take a deep breath and realize how much I've learned in the last 15 years... the greatest enlightenment arriving with motherhood. (ugh. I said motherhood. Isn't that the name of a maternity clothing store? Makes me think of unflattering nursing bras and cheesy floral print acrylic "blouses" ...) So I've had almost 5 years with my new persona... and please fellow mommies, agree with me here that YOU become a new person when you bring a child into the world... and I finally feel comfortable both mourning the old Ms. Nelson and cultivating the new one.
For the moment my girls are asleep, I've fed and bathed all 3 of them, I've settled into my couch corner, and I am alone in this house in the woods, listening cautiously to the noises outside (and no, I don't like that branch-breaking sound I just heard) and feeling fortunate to have a husband who spends a couple nights a week at the hospital. (In the immortal words of Brian Fellow on Safari Planet: "Get him away from me!")
Don't get me wrong - this quasi-single mom gig is tough - but it reminds me that I'm capable of anything. And in what seems like 2 minutes, my kids are older and more independent, and my glory days have yet to come.
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